Oh Severus!
by burntmuffin
Summary: Snapeish Happenings
1. Snapely Snape

Severus Snape struggled to pay attention while the Dark Lord rambled on about Harry Potter. He distantly heard the words "ugly scarred bitch", and decided to keep making interested nods and "hmphs" of agreement while Voldemort continued on his his long and rather PMSish rant about Harry.

Ahhh, Harry. Harry Potter seemed to be the source of all this. The reason why Voldemort was in a hormonal mood, the reason why Severus Snape was posing as a triple- no, quadruple agent? He couldn't keep track anymore. First he was spying on Voldemort for the Order, and then he was spying on Voldemort for the Order while pretending to spy on the Order for Voldemort. Then when Voldemort almost found out that he was sleuthing for the Order, Snape had to complicate his plans even further, weaving a complex string of lies that barely make sense.

Voldemort thinks that he knows that Snape is on his side, when in reality the Order knows Snape is on their side, and also know that Voldemort thinks he knows that the Order thinks they think they know where Snape's loyalties lie, when they actually know they think that Voldemort thinks they know what they don't, but they **DO** know what they think! The whole idea greatly confused Snape, and he usually popped an Instant Day Dream into his mouth whenever someone started explaining it.

Although he would never admit it to anyone, no matter how hard they jinxed and hexed him, he enjoyed all of the marvelous jokes and interesting products that were sold at Weasley's Wizarding Wheases. About once every two or three weeks, Severus Snape polyjuiced himself into a small child and indulged in the massive array of "Wizarding Wheases" displayed on the shelves at Fred and George's joke shop. Come to think of it, he wished he had an Instant Day Dream right now. However, this and all of his other thoughts immediately vanished when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Looking up, he realized that Voldemort was stalking off to another room, muttering angrily and stomping up the stairs, his black cloak swooshing behind him. The tap on the shoulder was from Wormtail.

Snape had always been utterly repulsed by Wormtail's features, and he also had the suspicion that Wormtail was more devoted to the Dark Lord than to bathing.

"Staying for dinner, Severus?" Wormtail asked, his long black nails drumming on the table, "I'm cooking!"  
"No, I have buisness to attend to, Dark Lord's orders," Snape said brusquely, quickly apparating away. Voldemort's house was strange. It seemed as if wherever you walked you were tripping over that snake, and Voldemort wasn't the most tasteful decorater either. Furthermore, the idea of Wormtail's cooking almost made him vomit on the spot. Snape wasn't sure he could stand to smell and or look at it, let alone eat it.  
Snape knew he didn't have any "buisness" to take care of for Voldemort, but he loved seeing the look on Wormtail's face when Snape said he was doing something important for the Dark Lord while he was stuck cooking or doing some other chore.

Hurrying up the front pathway, Severus Snape entered Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Completely used to the shrieks of the enormous painting down the hallway, Snape paid the woman in the painting no attention and was ushered into the kitchen by Ms. Weasley. His lip curled when he saw Harry Potter sitting at the table with Granger and one of the numerous Weasleys. Snape knew that the Order was all about protecting Harry, but that didn't mean that Snape had to like Harry. Snape completely loathed him, actually. He was just the spawn of James and Lily Potter. Oh, how Snape despised James. But Lily, she was different. She was amazing. Why did she have to marry James?! She should have married ME! Snape thought angrily. Well actually... he _did_ marry Lily in his last Instant Day Dream... Snape's thoughts were interrupted by Ms. Weasley offering him a plate of food.

"No thanks, Molly," Snape said, still not ready to eat as the thoughts of Wormtail's cooking lingered in his mind."I've just come for a chat," Snape said, casually saying the code words that would get the Potter Posse out of the way"You lot should get some more cleaning done upstairs," Ms. Weasley said, and hurried out of the room. Before they were gone Ms. Weasley snatched an extendable ear from someone."I can't believe all of the things Fred and George come up with, I just can't seem to stop them from..." Ms. Weasley trailed on."Yes, clever aren't they," Snape said, fingering his own pair of extendable ears in his pocket.


	2. Voldy vs Dumby

"SEVERUS!" Voldemort bellowed, "I have the perfect plan! Come to me and I'll grace you with my presence while we discuss it over a box of Chocolate Cauldrons."

"Coming my Lord," Snape said, rolling his eyes discretely before he entered the room.

"What is Dumbledore's favorite type of jam?!" Voldemort asked excitedly.

"Erm- what?" I asked, puzzled.

"You heard me!" Voldemort screeched, "What is Dumbledore's favorite type of jam?"

"Raspberry," Snape said, still unsure as to what this had to do with Lord Voldemort taking control of the wizarding world.

"How do I know you aren't lying?!" Voldemort questioned skeptically, staring into Snape's eyes. Snape didn't even bother to use Occlumency. He had nothing to hide regarding this matter. Every year, at the start of the term, the Hogwarts staff played "getting to know you" games, mainly to introduce the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to everyone, and to find out usless pieces of information about their colleagues. Snape never thought any of it would come in handy.

"Good, good," Voldemort murmured, conjuring a jar of Raspberry jam and a little gift card to stick on it.

"Sir, may I ask you why you're sending Dumbledore a jar of jam.?" Snape enquired.

"Don't question my decision!!" Voldemort yelled angrily, "just give this to Dumbledore at the start of term this week.

"Of course, Master, "Snape said obediantly.

The first school day of the year had arrived for Severus Snape, as well as for his students and fellow teachers. Snape could see the students arriving outside of his window, giving him a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"It's going to be a long school year," he mumbled to himself.

"Well hello, Severus!" a jolly voice said behind him. Turning around he saw that it was Dumbledore, poking his head through the door and walking in.

"Knocking is greatly appreciated, Headmaster," Snape said, remembering that he had been modeling his new dress robes while singing a song by The Weird Sisters a few moments ago.

"What's this?" Dumbledore asked, ignoring Snape's comment and jumping onto the bed to pick up the bottle of Raspberry jam. "Raspberry jam?! My favorite! Oh Severus, you're so thoughtful!"

"Oh, don't open that," Snape cautioned, "you see, it's from-"

"Hmmm, a little dusty though," Dumbledore said as he wiped the jar on his robe.

Suddenly there was an enormous puff of pink smoke around Dumbledore. Then Voldemort's ugly voice filled Snape's small room. The letter he attached must have been a howler, Snape thought.

"HELLOOOO TUMBLY DUMBLY! HAVE FUN AT YOUR FEAST! YOU CAN THANK ME LATER FOR YOUR WONDERFUL ATTIRE!!"

Completely confused and unable to see because of the pink smoke, Snape tripped over a stack of textbooks, smacked into Dumbledore who was in the middle of all the pink smoke, uttered some very obscene words, then, when the smoke cleared away a bit, Snape understood what Voldemort was talking about.

Dumbledore was covered in fluffy, hot-pink, footy pajamas. Snape had the urge to collapse on the bed laughing, but then decided that this was a serious matter.

"No worries," said Dumbledore, quickly flipping his wand at himself. Both Snape and Dumbledore were unsure why this didn't work, when the words "NICE TRY ALB" appeared across the front of the pajamas.

Unable to remove them with magic, force, or Turkish pop music, Snape reluctantly gave Dumbledore his darkest, heaviest, and most sinister looking robe to wear over it. This act had a strange side effect. Although the robe did completely cover the pink pajamas, Dumbledore's long silvery hair and beard wear instantly braided and knotted into dreadlocks. Dumbledore actually looked quite pleased with himself. Swinging his long dreads over his shoulder he cheerfully said,

"Come along Severus! we don't want to be late!"

Puzzled at why the Dark Lord was using such random magic, Snape followed Dumbledore out the door, but then quickly backtracked to check himself in the mirror. He fixed a menacing expression on his face.

This is sure to scare the first years, he thought. Excellent.

"You do know what this means don't you?" Dumbledore whispered to Snape during dinner.

"What what means?" Snape asked.

"This," Dumbledore hissed, pulling up the sleeve of his Snape's long black robe, revealing the fluffy pink pajamas.

"That You-Know-Who needs some 'special care' and has completely lost it?" Snape answered.

"NO!" Dumbledore said, "This means war!"

"War?" Snape questioned, "do you want me to alert Lupin, or Mad-Eye?" still confused at how pink pajamas could mean war.

"No, no, no," Dumbledore said. "nothing like that, but I will need your help."

"Okay..." Snape said, trying to pretend he knew what Dumbledore was talking about.

"Meet me in my office later tonight," Dumbledore said.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::later tonight::::

"Alright Severus, we're going to start off simply, then see if we have to move up to a higher level of trickery," Dumbledore said.

"Err... sure Headmaster," Snape said.

"So give this to the Voldmiester when you see him next ok?"

"Sure," Snape said, staring at the package that lay before him.

"Ahhh, hello Severus," the familiar voice drawled.

"Hello, my Lord," Snape said as he sat across the table from Voldemort. "I have a package for you," Snape said.

Completely unsure as to what was to happen Snape braced himself for the worst. He found that this letter was a howler as well. Dumbledore's voice echoed through the house.

"HOLAAAA MOLDY OLDY VOLDY! THESE ARE ONLY THE PRINTS! I HAVE THE ORIGINALS IN MY OFFICE!! HAVE A NICE DAY!!! LOVE, ALBUS"

Glancing across the table, (thankfully there was no smoke this time) Snape saw what Voldemort's eyes were fixed upon. Voldemort quickly set them on fire with his wand, but not before Snape saw that they involved Voldemort in a dress, surrounded by several bottles of Firewhiskey.

"HERE! Give this to him!" Voldemort squealed as he whipped a piece of parchment out of his pocket and gave it to Snape.

"Right away Sir," Snape mumbled.

Snape spent the next few days passing notes and howlers, pranks, jinxed and charmed items, and even a smelly old non-magical boot from the river. Finally Snape was fed up.

"Dumbledore!" Snape said, "I am a teacher and a member of the Order of the Pheonix. Not a messenger for two dillusional old men! I have to go and fail some fourth years now, so find someone else to do your dirty work."

Seeing as Dumbledore didn't have another spy working for Voldemort who could quietly slip in and give Voldemort the "present" Dumbledore decided to go himself.


	3. SnapexMcGonagall?

Severus Snape nearly wet himself when he walked into Voldemort's dining room. This kind of shock had only happened a couple times before. Once, it was when Snape had the miserably bad luck of spotting Voldemort doing a dance of some sort. Snape had just apparated into Voldemort's house to tell him some "urgent news", which was no more than some misleading information about a pack of Werewolves. He sprinted into Voldemort's quarters to tell him, because Fred and George's joke shop was closing at 7, and Snape didn't think that he could bear another day without a Pygmy Puff! (There was a tragic accident with his first one that involved a curling iron and a little too much Firewhiskey.)

Snape had come in to Voldemort's room at a very wrong time, because he was dancing in front of a mirror, singing a song that Snape thought sounded familiar. The tune was the same, but the words seemed different.

"I'M, TO SEXY FOR MY NOSE, TO SEXY FOR MY NOSE…."

Voldemort sang while throwing his arms in the air and shaking his posterior. Snape was frozen. He had the strange feeling that he might vomit, or rather faint, he couldn't decide. Voldemort moved up a key and was about to belt it out once more, when Snape cleared his throat and made his presence known. Awkward silence followed, and then Voldemort apparated from the room, embarrassed beyond belief.

The only other time Snape felt truly, deeply, shocked to the extent of pants wetting or fainting was a time in Dumbledore's office. A scene involving numerous pairs of fuzzy socks, rap music, and a Mandrake. But as of now, Snape tried to focus his attention on the scene before him.

Dumbledore and Voldemort sat at the table before him laughing heartily and playing a game of wizard's chess.

"Severus!" Dumbledore's old crackly voice said, "join us!"

"Yes," Voldemort drawled, "sit down."

"W-wh-what's happ-pening?!" Snape sputtered, "I thought you two were sworn enemies!"

"Oh we are," Voldemort said casually.

"But that doesn't mean that we can't have some butterbeer and play a nice game of chess does it?"

"Yes it does," Snape said, glaring.

"Alright V, it looks as if I've won," Dumbledore smiled as his knight violently smashed Voldemort's queen into pieces.

"So you have, Big D, so you have," Voldemort sighed.

"But here," Dumbledore said, handing him a small round object, "take this as a consolation prize."

"Sure," Voldemort replied, taking the small gift, "and I actually have a present for you too!"

_Oh no_, Snape thought. _They're doing the bloody "presents" thing._

"Thank you very much- toodles!" Dumbledore said as he vanished from the room.

Flashing an apologetic smile and mumbling something about potions exams Snape quickly apparated away, but not before he heard a big BANG erupt from the small object Voldemort was holding.

Back at Hogwarts, Snape saw Dumbledore once more.

Stopping him in the hallway, Dumbledore whispered, "That thing that Voldemort gave me, it was a love potion. I have no use for it, but don't worry- it didn't go to waste. I'll see you in the Great Hall for dinner tonight!"

Snape didn't understand what he was talking about, and quite frankly he didn't care. He had just seen Harry Potter down at the other end of the corridor, and felt that Gryfindor had far too many house points.

Later at dinner that night, Dumbledore kept giving Snape winks, which were very far from inconspicuous. Dumbledore would make a huge clatter with his silverware, would clear his throat in a very loud, annoying manner. Finally, once the whole staff table and most of the students sitting in the Great Hall were turned towards him, he would send Snape a large, exaggerated wink and a sly smile. Snape was sure that everyone was under the impression that they were going on a date or something. Snape nearly fell out of his chair at the thought. To Snape's left Minerva McGonagall took a sip of pumpkin juice from her goblet. She started to cough and choke, and this time it was she who nearly fell out of her seat. Snape reached his hands out to steady her, but immediately stiffened when McGonagall wrapped herself around him in a big hug.

"Oh Severus!" she gushed, "thank you for saving me! You're my hero! I don't know what I would have done without you. I- I think I- love you."

The entire student body of Hogwarts was gaping at this scene. Nervously glancing around the staff table Snape saw that they too were in complete shock. All except for Dumbledore. He actually looked quite… pleased.

"Minerva," Snape hissed, "what are you doing?!"

"Why, I'm confessing my undying love and affection for you Sevvy! I didn't realize I felt this way before, but now I know! We were meant to be together!" She squealed.

Many of the students in the Hall started snickering and whispering, while other's jaws simply dropped lower to the floor. Snape could stand this no longer. He stood up and flung his cloak around his shoulders, leaving the room as quickly as possible, leaving a love struck McGonagall, a chaotic Great Hall, and his half eaten plate of food, which Snape very much missed. The house elves had outdone themselves on the potatoes.

Later that evening, Snape sat in his office, brooding over the previous scene and trying to comfort his grumbling belly. Conjuring up some brownies, he sat back in his chair and relaxed. He was about to bite into one of the chocolate mounds of deliciosity, when he heard a knock at the door. Expecting Professor McGonagall, he dove under his desk, trying to be a quiet as possible, but knocking the plate of brownies over as well as some vials of potion he had collected from a class of third years earlier that day.

_They're failing the day's class_, Snape thought to himself. Someone entered the room.

"Severus?" He heard Dumbledore's voice ask.

For once Snape was actually glad to hear Dumbledore's voice, thankful that it wasn't McGonagall with some wedding plans or something.

"Yes, Headmaster," Snape answered, emerging from under his desk.

"What have you been up to?" Dumbledore asked casually, "any plans? With Minerva perhaps?" He gave Snape another one of those horrifyingly obvious winks.

"Albus, what in Salazar's name could possibly give you the idea to put a love potion in Minerva's pumpkin juice?!"

"Ahh, so you knew what happened?" Dumbledore asked.

"Of course I knew! I'm the potions master!" Snape retorted, "but furthermore, WHY?!"

"Oh, Severus! I see you staring at her. I know that you love her deep down inside. Stop denying it! Come out into the open!" Dumbledore said dramatically.

"I never stare at her!" Snape said angrily, "there was only that one time- but it was because she had a big ink smudge on her face all day and didn't notice! It was quite hilarious actually, but no romantic staring has ever gone on! Besides Gryfindor and Slytherin are enemies, there is absolutely NO CHANCE that I would ever, EVER, love McGonagall. I hardly even _like_ her."

"Severus, none of that matters. Love can overcome the strongest of boundaries. It's the most powerful magic-"

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard this speech a million times." Snape rolled his eyes and walked away from Dumbledore, "I'm going to bed." He turned on his heal and stalked out towards his bedroom. Dumbledore smiled and picked up the brownies that were strewn across Snape's desk. Taking a bite out of one he strolled out of the office, humming to himself. It was a familiar tune, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. Remembering the words he sang-

"I'm too sexy for my nose, too sexy for my nose…" and continued ambling down the corridor.


	4. Capitulo Cuatro

Rolling his eyes as he spotted yet another cuddling couple in the hallways, Severus Snape hurried his pace, as to not remind himself that he was alone, yet again, for the holidays. Severus never liked the holidays. Aside from Dumbledore wearing those atrocious shiny red and green robes with jingly bells, tiny fir tree branches, and real snow falling from the sleeves and matching hat, Severus Snape hated all the couples. As part of the holiday decorations, the house elves bewitched mistletoe to float around the castle corridors, just above people's heads, causing more public displays of affection in the hallways than necessary. Clearing his head of the bad image of Dumbledore in his holiday outfit, Snape tried to rush by the canoodling couple, but then saw that it was two Gryffindors.

Excellent, Snape thought. I can relieve my tinsel-topped stress by sending Gryffindor's house points into the negatives.

Slowing his speed, Snape put on a disgusted face and ever so slightly arched the left corner of his upper lip. The students immediately broke apart when they realized Snape was looming over them. The expressions on their faces told Snape that all the practicing he'd done in the mirror to perfect this exact glare was paying off. Ooh! Even more fun, Snape thought to himself, when he saw that the boy was Potter, and the other was a scrawny, carrot-headed, freckly Weasley. Was it Ginny? Ron? George? Snape didn't know and honestly didn't care. Potter's probably snogging them all, Snape chuckled to himself.

'Potter,' Snape spat. 'It would be in both of our best interests if you and your ginger-headed crony didn't demonstrate to us all how to assault someone's tongue with their own.'

'Are you SERIOUS?!' the Weasley screeched. Snape recognized the high pitched voice as that of a girl. Snape then concluded that the Weasley must be Ronald. 'Look over there!' the Weasley continued, 'Don't you see Draco and his girlfriend Gabriela? They're freakin' eating each other's faces off! Why don't you go over there and tell them off, instead of gracing us with your greasy hair and jacked up nose!'

Snape was caught off guard by this sudden outburst, but quickly pulled himself together and whipped out his "Oh no you didn't- Now it's ON!" face.

'First,' Snape started, 'I am not SIRIUS. ((Okay, that Sirius thing was really lame.)) I am Professor Snape. Second,' he said, as he blankly stared down the corridor at Draco and Gabi, who were displaying a prefect example of "what not to do when there are other people present" and said, 'I don't know what you're blabbering about. I don't see Draco and his friend doing anything wrong.' However, mentally, he was making a note to tell Draco to "take it to the dormitory," for it was much more than anyone else needed to view. 'Lastly,' Snape said, 'It is unacceptable to insult a teacher. I'm going to have to deduct one hundred and fifty house points for this entire incident.' Snape started to move away, then stopped and said, 'I'm going to deduct an extra forty house points as well, for the discrimination against people with abnormally large noses.'

The Weasley, who Snape had finally correctly realized was Ginny, started to protest, but Snape was already turning into another hallway, careful to avoid Gabi and Draco.

Snape was opposed to the joyous spirits of the students during the holidays, but he suffered through them, for he knew that his favorite time of the school year was on its way- HOLIDAY BREAK!

Snape loathed Dumbledore's staff parties, where firewhisky and rum were of endless supply. Did Snape have a problem with alcohol? No, he'd have a nice glass of brandy anytime. Did Snape have a problem with a completely trashed Flitwick, Hagrid falling down and crushing people, and McGonagall trying to coax the other teachers into playing strip poker? YES. Snape remembered the last holiday staff party. The one where a drunken Trelawny accidentally transfigured him into a giant dandelion, and then Hagrid decided to use the Snape-dandelion in the interpretive dance he happened to be performing for Dumbledore, who wanted to "spread the dandelion love" by ripping the flower apart and throwing the pieces at other people, while Filch tried to set everyone on fire.

To Snape's relief, the end of the staff party meant the beginning of the teacher's winter break. Snape's holiday vacations used to be very simple. They involved mug after mug of herbal tea, many stacks of steamy romance novels, and a lot of chocolate, cake, and other holiday treats. However, one day Dumbledore discovered the passionate romance books Snape hid in the potions ingredients closet, and suggested that he, Snape, and the other teachers start a hands on book club, in which scenes from the book are acted out. At this moment, Snape decided that all of his future winter vacations would be as far away from Hogwarts as possible.

The next year, Snape decided to go to a Weird Sisters concert during holiday break. To Snape's utter disgust, he met Gilderoy Lockhart there, who was convinced that everyone was at the concert to get his autograph.

This year, Snape had plans that he thought would be impossible to ruin. He would take a trip to a ridiculously obscure town. No one would ever follow him there! He even thought of the brilliant idea of going to America.

No one likes America, Snape thought. It's a fat, rich, country who's causing Global Warming! And they're run by that guy. What's his name? President Tree? President Bush? Either way, Snape thought, a country can't be doing to well if the leader is as dumb as a plant. They're wasting all their money in Iraq! They should be using their resources, money, and power to help other areas of the world who really need help. ((Muahaha, I just HAD to slip in my left-winged political views. So, yeah, it's my OPINION. Flame me if you want, I don't care.))

Snape was actually quite a political person. If there was a politics class at Hogwarts, Snape would totally ditch potions and teach that.

To choose this incredibly small, unnoticed town, Snape randomly dropped a small rock on a map. It landed on a tiny town called Highland Park. Highland Park was in New Jersey. It had a very large wizarding population, so Snape thought that he would fit right in.

However, Snape's brilliant plans were ruined. Just before Snape trekked down to Dumbledore's office for the dreaded staff party, an owl flew though his window. Snape opened the letter that it had come with. It said:

_Dear Severus,_

_You are cordially invited to the Malfoy's Winter Wonderland Fiesta!_

_All the best people will be there, and you don't want to miss out!_

_THE DARK LORD MAY MAKE A SPECIAL APPEARANCE, _

_So be on time, and dress to impress!_

_Time: 6-11pm_

_Place: Malfoy Manor_

_Date: January 2__nd_

_Hope to see you there,_

_Narcissa and Lucius_

The words "Winter Wonderland Fiesta" made Snape think of frozen burritos and cold, icy, nachos. Gross. Snape really didn't want to go. He didn't particularly enjoy the Malfoys, but he had to pretend to love Draco because Lucius was a "friend". In Snape's eyes, Lucius was not a friend at all, for Snape was good! ((Yes, Snape is TOTALLY GOOD. I Shun the non-believer. SHUUUUUUNN!)) But because Snape ((Allan Rickman, of course,)) is such an excellent actor when dealing with the Dark Side, Lucius thought that they were friends. If Voldemort was going, then Snape thought he definitely should. He didn't want to miss any important death eater information.

Sighing as he walked down to Dumbledore's party, Snape gave up his plans. The Malfoy's party it was going to be.

Authors Notes: This isn't the end!! It was 2 in the morning when I wrote all this, and I was too tired to write more. Expect Snape to be cha-cha-ing at the Malfoys in the next chapter. R/R, -burntmuffin.


	5. The Malfoy Winter Wonderland Fiesta

The Winter Wonderland Fiesta held at Malfoy Manor proved to be no better than Dumbledores staff parties. In fact, the Death Eaters seemed to be more trashed than the Hogwarts teachers were. Snape was Confined to a corner, partly because of Avery's slumped body blocking his exit from the couch, and partly because he was afraid to go out into the party. Some pretty whack things were happening.

For starters, Draco and Gabi were nearly having sex on the couch next to him. Not that it was anything new, really. He saw them plenty of times in the hallway. Luckily, they broke apart when Draco was called by his father.

"Draco!" Lucius slurred, "Take my pimp cane. I dont want to scratch it when I busta move to show Yaxley where the Dark Magic really is!"

Snape looked out onto the ballroom floor and realized that Lucius and Yaxley were having a dance off.

"Bring it, Looshy-poo!" Yaxley staggered over to the center of the dance floor.

The deejay put on some old school rap, and Lucius got the battle off to a good start. Spinning around and doing some intricate hand movements, Lucius shimmied and stuck his left arm out, flexing his Dark Mark, and receiving a lot of cheering from the crowd. Although his dancing was pretty terrible, it was quite good for a very drunk man. Severus was actually surprised that Lucius and Yaxley were standing.

Yaxley countered his chorographical attack by falling down. Most of the Death Eaters thought this was some sort of break dancing, and continued to whoop and yell while Yaxley spun around on the floor and wiggled his toes.

Lucius ripped his shirt off and began to do the Macarena.

"Ohh! Intense!" Avery said, staring wide eyed at the dancers in the heat of combat.

Severus hadnt even noticed that Avery had become conscious. He lumbered off towards the bar and Snape was free of the many pounds of fat that had been squishing him before.

Gazing back out at the dance floor once again, Snape saw that Yaxley had thrown a martini glass at Lucius, and Lucius was now dumping his beer bottle over Yaxleys head. After that act, Lucius maneuvered around Yaxley shaking his hands in his face and shaking his buttocks. This final act seemed to have won the drunken crowd over. They hoisted Lucius onto their shoulders and paraded around the room, stopping at the bar to refill their wine glasses and mugs of beer.

Snape sighed as he sipped his scotch. He really wished he wasn't here right now. The deejay had just put on Buy You a Drank and Bellatrix Lestrange was grinding with someone. It certainly wasn't her husband. Snape thought he saw Crabbe dirty dancing with Yaxley. He wasn't sure, and didn't want to be.

Just as Snape thought this party couldn't get anymore repulsive, he heard Bellatrix shouting at him from across the room.

"Hey, Severrruuuuuuussss," she slurred, still grinding with some random Death Eater. "Yo, why you be all alone in that corner?"

"I don't wish to partake in this rambunctious gathering. It's far from well mannered-frivolity, which I am partial to," Snape called back.

"Well, I think it's just because you aren't loyal to the Dark Lord!" She glared at him, her body swaying and beer bottle slipping in her hand.

"What?" Snape rolled his eyes. "That's preposterous."

"Your MOM is preposterous!" Bellatrix retorted.

A hush fell over the Death Eaters. This was clearly the ultimate diss.

Severus glowered at Bellatrix, almost at a loss for what to say. Almost.

"Well YOUR Mom..." Snape trailed off. "Was a half-blood," he finished quietly, a thin smile creeping over his lips. Snape knew perfectly well that Bellatrix was totally pure blood, but even the thought of being a half-blood made Bellatrix cringe. He knew he had hit her weak spot.

"AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHH!!!" Bellatrix screeched, her expression turning into that of an enraged lemur. [Do you know what an enraged Lemur looks like? I don't. Put those brain cells to work and imagine something. Her fists clenched and unclenched as she nervously glanced around the room. She chugged the last of her beer and stomped over to Severus, who was still sitting innocently on his couch, a satisfied gleam in his eye.

"Oh, yeah?" She spluttered. "Well I challenge you to a RAP BATTLE!!"

"Oh yes," Snape said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "That's the perfect way to solve our problems."

"You heard me, Sev, a rap battle. Loser has to..." Bellatrix put her hands on her hips and thought. Snape could almost see the wheels in her brain spinning as fast as they could to pump out her next horrid idea.

"PUT ON THEIR BIRTHDAY SUIT AND GO TO THE GRYFFINDOR CHRISTMAS PARTY AND DO THE ELECTRIC SLIDE ON A TABLE!" She screamed victoriously.

"Thats ridiculous," Snape said, shaking his head, "I wont."

"Look at that, everyone!" Bellatrix addressed the Death Eaters, "Snapey-Wapey's afraid of a little rhyming!"

"I'm not afraid, but dancing on a table naked in front of a bunch of Gryffindors isn't my idea of fun. And how did you know that they were having a Christmas party?" he asked Bellatrix.

"Well, we have to know these things in case a situation like this comes up," Bellatrix said matter-of-factly. "So are you rapping or not?"

"Not!" Snape said indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Deejay!" Bellatrix bellowed. "Hit me with a beat!"

A hip hop drums and bass line started to play, and Bellatrix menacingly walked toward Snape, like a cheetah stalked its prey. [Whats up with these animal-Bellatrix comparisons?

"I said no!" Snape protested, but a second later, Bellatrix had started rapping.

"I'm the Dark Lords number one,  
Hell yeah, you know it son!  
Dont need a knife and I don't need a gun,  
I'll AK yo ass, and I'll have fun,  
Yeah, I'm mean,  
I scare kiddies on Halloween,  
Your mom was a Mandrake,  
Yo daddy a Grindylow,  
But you just a FAKE,  
With a big ass nose.  
Word."

The Death Eaters screamed with delight, stomping their feet, clapping their hands, and saying, 'Dayy-uuumm' or 'Oh Snap!' and 'Merlins pants!'.

Snape was thoroughly upset. The Mandrake comment started to gnaw at his nerves, but the nose part was too much for him to handle.

"Okay, Bellatripped-up, I accept your terms, and now its 'Officially On.' "

The Death Eaters gasped and oohed while the deejay put on another track.

Snape had always liked poetry. Now was the time to use what he knew.

"You think you're the Dark Lords most loyal slave,  
Well, NEWSFLASH! You ain't nothing but a bloody knave.  
The Dark Lord keeps you around because you're easy in the sack,  
And you be doin' other Death Eaters behind your husband's back."

At this comment, Rodolphus Lestrange stood up with an angry roar while Bellatrix seethed with anger.

"You do not know anything about me!" She hissed, shooting a worried glance at her drunken husband, who was now screaming about how 'if any of these wankers tried to get with my wife, I'll Avada Kedavra their arse!'

"Really, Bellatrix?" Snape said with a smirk. "Au contraire." And, with that, Snape burst into a rhyming frenzy, sending all of the guests at the party into complete and utter madness as they stamped their feet and whistled. Severus Snape had _clearly_ won this battle.

"To the Gryffindor party!" Lucius bellowed.

Snape didn't particularly want to go to the Gryffindor party, or see Bellatrix without any clothes on. However, the rest of the Death Eaters did, even though they'd all seen it before. Because Bellatrix is a ho. A big, big ho. Snape's arm was grasped by a Death Eater apparating away. A second later, Snape was at the Gryffindor Christmas party.

Surveying the scene, he saw Harry and Ginny making out, Ron and Hermione awkwardly staring at each other, and Dumbledore without any pants on. Yikes.

"Snnnnippittysnape!" Hagrid drawled. "Why are you here?"

"Not because I chose to, that's for sure," Snape grumbled.

"Snape!" Harry popped up out of nowhere, causing Snape to jump. "Why are all these Death Eaters here?"

"Bellatrix has to hold up her end of the bargain," Snape sniffed.

"Whaa?" Harry turned around and saw Bellatrix regretfully getting on top of a table and start to remove her clothing. The Gryffindors were all too trashed to realize what was going on, and none attempted to stun the enemy.

"You Death Eaters are all whores," Harry scoffed.

"300 points from Gryffindor," Snape snapped.

"What the hell?!" Harry yelled. "It's the holidays!"

"I dont give a damn. 20 more points." Snape snorted.

"Fuck your mother," Harry said angrily, stalking away.

"Thats another twenty million, Potter!" Snape called after him, and shook his head as he watched remove her final article of clothing. The pantsless Dumbledore cheered, obviously unaware of the situation.

Not wanting to see any more of this tomfoolery, Snape apparated back to his hovel, wishing he had never attended the Malfoy Winter Wonderland Fiesta.

[[A/N--- My friend wrote Snape's little rap. I wrote the Bellatrix rap and the rest of the story. Don't exept any updates any time soon. I Actually wrote this chapter in September and put it on my quzilla account, but I haven't had time to put it up here. School is CRAZY, so I won't be writing for a while. I'm moving on to band fics, so when I do write it might not be Harry Potter related. I don't know. Thanks for reading guys, I love you 3 R/R because you loovveee me. p.s. check out my quizilla. w w w . q u i z i l l a . c o m / u s e r s / p u r p l e m u f f i n


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